Inside His Head, Reading His Mind
by JeanieMD
Summary: All the times he wanted to say something, would have, could have, should have told her, inspired by the grenade scene in "I Never". So many times in the six seasons we can almost hear Sam's unspoken thoughts. I'll add more vignettes if people like this one. Most people seem to like them - thanks! But that is all they are, moments when we wish Sam would tell us what he's thinking.
1. Chapter 1

**Two Truths and a Lie**

"I'm not going in for another round of this, Sam. I won't do it."

 _Damn it all to hell. Everything was going great, we were getting closer every day. Why does she have to be so intuitive? She always knows – ALWAYS! – when I'm trying to keep something from her. So now she's found out that my father is in prison – she's gonna run as fast as she can. Well, if I'm gonna lose her anyway, she might as well satisfy her curiosity._

Sam hands Andy the folder labelled "Jay Swarek" and waits. Waits for her to look at him, disgusted by the nasty secret he has worked so hard to keep hidden.

Later, "I just hope that woman isn't in too much danger," Jay Swarek mutters as they leave the interview room.

"Sam, just give me five minutes."

 _You mean leave you alone with him? Oh sure, why not? Give him the opportunity to spill the beans, tell you the truth about why he's in here._

"It's OK, I've got it."

 _As if finding out my old man is a convict isn't enough. But I know her – she's like a dog with a bone and she won't drop it. Oh well, I've had it anyway – I haven't got a chance. It can't get any worse. Let her learn the ugly truth._

Later, "Was he telling the truth, or were you?"

 _Right to the heart of it, just like always. I have to tell her – one thing I can say is that I've never lied to her, and I'm not gonna start now. Might as well get used to the idea that we'll never get back together once she realizes what I did._

"He was."

"Mm."

"More than you wanted to hear?"

"No. You are nothing like that man. And if you ever doubt it you need to just turn around and ask me."

"Are you gonna be there?"

"Just try and get rid of me. Okay, that sounded kind of stalker-y. You do have some say."

 _She always surprises me. Always. I thought she'd never get past the fact that I lied about my father so he'd go to jail. Now's the time to tell her, finally, how I feel about her._


	2. Chapter 2

**Surprises**

McNally, open the door.

 _Oh thank God, you're OK. You're here and you're OK._

"Hi."

"Hi. How was your trip?

 _You're really OK – not dead, not hurt. You're safe._

"Good."

 _You look different. Thinner. Your hair is longer._

"How are you?"

"Great. It's good to see you."

"Glad to have you back."

 _I was so afraid I'd never see you again, never be able to tell you...no, I can't tell you anything. You made your choice – you left me. So I moved on, with Marlo. But it is good to see you, to have you back where I can keep an eye on you, be sure you're safe._

Later, in the lunchroom:

"So McNally's back...what does that mean?"

"Nothing. It's in the past." 

_Oh, McNally. You saw that, I guess. So now you know. What's that look for? You made it pretty clear you didn't want...us. Me. You have no right to look at me as if I cheated on you. Go on, get debriefed. We have nothing to talk about._

 _Damn it, why do I feel so guilty?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Butterflies**

"Love workin' with you, McNally. Can't imagine my life without you in it."

 _Where the hell did that come from? It's like my brain shifts into neutral sometimes when I'm near her. And what's with the look, Ollie?_

Later

 _What's taking Rosati so long in there? I need to know McNally really is OK. God, she came so close...no, I can't think about that. There she is. I need to get her out of sight – I just need to get her alone. Let me see your face, McNally. Callaghan or no Callaghan, I have to kiss her._

"Sam."

"You gotta be kidding me."

 **Best Laid Plans**

"Did you find the boy?"

"Yeah, we got him."

 _Look at that smile, how her face lights up. She's right here – I could kiss her if I leaned just a little closer. She's leaning closer too – but I don't want to try and then feel stupid if that's not what she wants. And I guess it's not – she's pulling back. And leaving. I can't take any more of this – I'll let Boyd know in the morning that I'll take the u.c. gig._


	4. Chapter 4

**Homecoming**

"It wasn't him."

 _What? What are you talking about? Do you have to argue about every damn thing? That sure hasn't changed. We've got the guy, there's a ton of evidence – why are you challenging that? Gimme a break, McNally._

Later, "Look what we found."

 _So, you found a cellphone in a dumpster. So what?_

"Two incoming calls. One from another disposable and another from a rooming house on Logan. "

"Yeah, I know the place."

"One of the residents is Timothy McRae. He just got out of Maplehurst – spent six years there for aggravated assault and armed robbery. Guess who his cellmate was?"

 _Oh, I don't need to guess, McNally. So you're right – again. In spite of all the evidence you go dumpster-diving. You find a cellphone that received a call from a violent ex-con to his former cellmate who we now have in custody for the bank job. Of course you did. Gotta say your instincts – those annoying instincts – are still as sharp as ever. At least you don't say. "I told you so." Not out loud anyway._

"I'm gonna track down his parole officer and find out what I can."

Oliver: "Sammy, let me do that. Why don't you two pay a visit to McRae, see if he has anything to say about his old cellmate."

 _Subtle, Oliver, very subtle. Like a tank. Fine. We can work together like we always did – doesn't have to be awkward._

"You up for a ride?"

"Hell, yeah. I'll drive."


	5. Chapter 5

**Mercury Retrograde**

"Were you scared in there?"

"Yeah. You?"

"No, you were there."

 _You really have that much faith in me, McNally? You don't even know me. Huh - she took me down, and all of a sudden I feel like I wanna protect her. This girl is gonna be trouble. Look at those big eyes. And the lips. Very kissable lips._

 **Honour Roll**

 _In love? Geez, Noelle, what are you talking about? It was just a hook-up, nothing romantic about it. I wanna see if we can hook up again, and bringing her coffee is just an excuse to start talking._

Later

"It was her idea. Sammy, a fishing cabin really has very little to do with actually fishing."

"Right, right. Yeah, sure. No problem, won't get in your way."

"Thanks."

 _So what the hell was that about last night? She came to me, I didn't start it. I thought maybe she was as interested in me as I am – as I was – in her. I should have known better. She was just killing time waiting for her detective. What a waste of coffee._

Later

"Sam, I really think we need to talk."

""Andy, it's cool. It was what it was, okay?"

 _What the hell kind of game are you playing here, Bambi? I'm not gonna play. Looks like you made your choice._

"What do you mean, it was what it was?

"Look, I know it's your specialty, but let's try not to overthink this one, okay?

 _I don't know what goes on in that head, McNally, but you just go have a great time, uh, 'fishing', okay? Just leave me out of it._

 **Takedown**

"You're OK!"

"Thanks to you – you were great in there."

"Thanks."

"See, you don't have to fake it anymore."

 _Now what, McNally? We're good, everything worked out. What's going on in that head? Why are you doing here with me when Callaghan is right over there? Not that I wouldn't like you to stay._

"Well, uh, you should get in there and give your statement."

"All right."

"See you tomorrow – copper?"

"See you tomorrow."


	6. Chapter 6 Different, Not Better

**Author's Note - thanks to AllMcSwarek for reminding me of this poignant scene!**

 **Different, Not Better** Episode 3

Sam and Marlo walk across the parking lot, and Andy watches as they embrace. Sam turns around and sees her walking towards him.

 _Andy, what's on your mind?_.

"She's great."

"Is that your talent, McNally? Pointing out the obvious?"

"No. I know when the odds are against me, and when to walk away. That's my talent. Good night, Sam."

 _McNally . Oh God, McNally, don't go yet._

"Andy. Andy."

 _Why did I do that? Why did I stop her? There's nothing I can say to her. But it kills me to see that look on her face._

"See you tomorrow."

 _Oh, McNally, I wish I could ask you to wait a minute. I'm always watching you walk away from me, when all I really want is for you to stay._


	7. Chapter 7For Better, For Worse

**For Better, For Worse**

As the seniors get on their bus to go back to the station for interviews, Andy lets her frustration show on her face. "Typical, huh?" she says to Sam.

"What?"

"The one time we all wanna get off early, and now we have to interview a bunch of slow-talking Walters."

"Yeah, so?"

"I'm actually excited about tonight."

"Yeah, you love weddings."

Yeah, I love them."

"I'm not surprised."

"Don't worry - I'll save a dance for you."

 _Do you really want to dance with me at the wedding, McNally? I'd like nothing more, but I don't know what that would mean. If it would mean anything at all. God, it's all so screwed up. Oh, McNally, what a mess I've got myself in._

Later, Oliver joins Sam at the bar. He grabs Sam's drink and downs it, explaining that it will take the edge off this first date in a decade.

"Are you happy?" Sam asks Oliver.

"Yeah, I am happy. I am happy. I am happy. Are you happy, my friend?"

"I'm tryin'."

Oliver looks towards the door and turns back to Sam. "Don't miss your chance, pal."

Sam turns to see what Oliver is looking at, as Andy and Nick arrive.

 _My chance_? _Oh_ , s _he's here finally. Ah, she's here with Collins. Is something happening there? The way they were fooling around in the hall the other day – he makes her laugh. And look how close they are, and how she's looking at him. Maybe it's already too late, Oliver._


	8. Chapter 8

**Wanting**

After Andy finished telling Oliver about her afternoon experience, trapped upstairs with a terrified Marcus hiding behind her, and an armed and desperate Shay Bishop at the bottom of the stairs, the staff sergeant sat for a moment, thinking just how close he had come to losing one of his best young officers. Not to mention the young woman he thought of as a daughter. This was the first incident he had ever had to deal with in which out and out cowardice played a major role. Clearly Duncan Moore was unwilling, maybe even unable to put himself at risk. Or in harm's way, Oliver thought, remembering Moore's withdrawal from Fite Nite after seeing his opponent for the first time. He looked across his desk at McNally, silently thankful that she had come safely through the ordeal. Across the squad room he noticed Sam waiting just outside the door; Shaw was relieved beyond all imagining that he had not had to give his friend the worst possible news...

As Andy left the office she had to pass the hunched figure of her rookie, who was sitting, waiting, dreading to hear his name. When Staff Sergeant Shaw called him into the office he had to be able to give a reasonable excuse for failing to back up his TO, his partner. Duncan knew that failing to back up your partner was practically the worst thing that could ever be said about a cop. He shuddered as he thought of the contempt he would see in his stepfather's eyes, the scorn in his voice after he found out what Duncan had done. No, what Duncan had failed to do.

Sam, waiting for Andy to leave Oliver's office.

 _This could have ended so differently – I don't even want to think about it. She must have been terrified, knowing that Bishop would stop at nothing to silence the only witness to this morning's shooting. But she never lets being scared stop her from doing her job – she would have died to protect that kid. As for that little weasel of a rookie – I'm just thankful that his dereliction of duty didn't end up with one, maybe two more people dead. I don't envy Oliver, having to deal with the commissioner's kid. OK, here she comes; she's done, and I can take her home._

"Rough day?"

"Yeah."

"Need somebody to give you a ride home?"

"That would be great."

"Meet you at my truck in ten."

Later, driving to Andy's:

 _She's not talking. At all. That's a really bad sign. I know she'd feel better if she talked about it but if I asked her she'd just brush it off. It'll be better if I wait for her to say something._

"You didn't say anything the whole ride over."

"Well, you either." _Geez, damned if I do and damned if I don't! OK, she needs to talk now – but what does she need to hear from me?_

"You know, it just would've been nice for you to say something. Like there was nothing I could do, or I couldn't have trained him any better, or it would have happened eventually. I mean, I don't know, something."

"Sorry. You don't need me to say that, do you?"

 _Ah, I guess you did._

"Hey, look at me. You're one of the best I've ever seen, okay? You had a feeling about this guy, and you were right! You gotta trust that."

 _No, obviously that's not what she wanted to hear._

"Andy. Andy. I think you're feeling the way you're feeling because you believe in people, and you know they can be better. It's what makes you who you are."

 _That seems to have gotten through to her. I can see her thinking – now what? Oh. Oh, McNally, I'm not sure what I did to deserve this. It's been a long time since you kissed me, but it's exactly the same. God, I've missed this._

"Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow."

"OK."

 _So that's it for tonight, but it's a start. The connection is definitely still there. Well I knew it was for me, but apparently for her too. Yeah, McNally, I'll see you tomorrow._

"Night."


	9. Chapter 9

**Going Under**

 _Here she comes. What's going on in that head?_

"Hey. Did you hear about the Duncan thing?"

"Yeah. How you holding up?"

"You know, I'm doing really great – you know that kind of stuff just rolls off my back."

"Yeah, right." _Uh-huh. Sure it does. It's not bothering you a bit._

"What are you working on?"

"Missing person, maybe – not sure yet. Ah, if you're free I could use your help."

"Oh, is this the workplace equivalent of pity sex?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"I'll take it."

Later:

"So, Brian Gowdy cancelled his credit cards two weeks ago, sold his condo, and his last ATM withdrawal was at a gas station three days ago….he's a grown-up runaway, which sounds awesome, you know? Get away from your troubles, and your debts, and your…everything."

"Do you want to talk about it, McNally?"

"No, there's nothing to talk about."

"Okay."

 _Right. For somebody who talks as much as you do, and who expects me to open up if something's bothering me, you sure keep things bottled up tight. Trust me enough to tell me, Andy. It won't mean you can't handle it all on your own – just that you don't have to. I'm here._

And later:

"Maybe it's possible that we're looking at extortion, or blackmail, you know? Maybe he's got a dark secret."

"I doubt it. This guy's life reads like the most boring novel in the world. Except…for this. He's spent quite a bit of money in Costa Rica over the last six months – hotel charges, restaurants, at least three different trips."

"Where would you go, if you had to leave your life behind?"

"I wouldn't go anywhere – unless you were coming with me."

"Aww…oh, look at this."

"Pacifico College, an international school of art and compassion. In San Jose, Costa Rica! Mr. Brian Gowdy got himself a new job. And, it comes with a condo."

"So that's that. Want me to call local police and see if he got there safely?"

"I do speak fluent Spanish – you know that, right?"

"Oh, I'm aware – I just thought that was reserved for when you were naked."

 _God, McNally, that brings back some pretty vivid memories. Interesting that you still remember. I sure do. Hard to forget being naked with you. Maybe we can make that happen again._


	10. Chapter 10

**Fragments**

In the morning:

 _Well, that backfired, didn't it? I thought we were ready for this. It's not like I asked her to move in with me – it's just a key!_

 _With McNally you usually need to read between the lines. What am I missing here? We're good, we're happy, we spend practically all our free time together anyway – what is it about a key that spooked her?_

 _Oh geez, the keys to the truck! I told her to hang on to them, and then I made her give them back to me. After I promised her that she wouldn't get rid of me without a fight, I just caved and left her in the rain. Is that what this is? She's still not ready to trust that I'm with her for good. I'm not gonna screw it up again. I'm just gonna have to be patient._

Later, after Duncan's rescue:

 _We'll finish up here and I'll try again with the key when we get home. Where is she, anyway? Ah, there she is, talking to Collins. They look pretty serious. Is she looking for me? I rate a smile – that's good._

 _Now she can have a nice chat with her rookie, or I guess he's not really hers anymore. Looks like somebody just arrived from Intelligence. Oh God. They have how many people over there, and they had to send Marlo? Really? McNally must be loving that. But she's gotta know by now that she's the only one for me. If she doesn't I'm just gonna have to convince her_

 _Yes, McNally, we'll wrap it up fast and then she'll be out of our lives. It'll be just you and me, the way it always should have been._


	11. Chapter 11

**Might Have Been**

"We make a good team, you and me."

"What are you saying?"

"What do _you_ mean?"

Sam watches as McNally goes back to the nightclub.

 _I have to admit, that's a nice view. We do work really well together – she's quick, and she gets what I mean – most of the time._

In the van:

 _Oh, this is fun – I get to listen to girl talk about boyfriends. Great, because I just can't wait to hear details about McNally's relationship with Callaghan. Yay._

 _He tells her he loves her – easy to say, not so easy to show her. Time after time I see him paying more attention to the job than he does to her. She needs somebody to care about her, to support her, to know what she needs when she doesn't even know herself. But apparently she needs the words too. I just hope Callaghan means it when he says it._

In the club:

"Stop waving the gun around!" Andy says, knowing the surveillance team can hear.

 _Gun! Oh geez, I gotta get in there. Shots! Not McNally, please not McNally. OK, there she is under the bar._

"You alright?"

"I don't know where it came from."

 _It's OK, breathe, we've got him. I don't know, McNally – I don't think my heart can take all this excitement._

Later, back at 15:

"You were great in there."

"Kept it real, the way I was taught."

 _Off you go, McNally – have a great evening with the guy who says he loves you._


	12. Chapter 12

**Heart & Sparks**

 _What the hell? What did they just say? Officer trapped in fire-damaged building? Damn it, McNally, can't you go more than a couple of days without getting yourself into some life-threatening situation? Somebody's jilted boyfriend shoots you, visiting drug kingpin_ _ **wants**_ _to shoot you, poor psychotic thief of heads attacks you…I think I might have to shoot you myself to keep you out of trouble. Just a minor injury, of course – enough to keep you on desk duty for the foreseeable future. OK, we're here – what's happening? Ah, there's Shaw._

"You're not goin' in there. Anybody barges in there the whole place could come down, OK? Fire's called for backup.

"What the hell were you thinking, letting her go in there in the first place?"

"Obviously I didn't _let_ her go in there."

 _No, of course you didn't, Ollie. Sorry. She just does whatever pops into her head, never thinking about what could happen to her. She leaves that to the people who lo- who care about her and don't want her to get hurt._

"McNally? How you doin' in there? Yeah, I hear you."

 _Rosati, why do you need to talk to her?_

"Look, it's a crime scene. If I can't be in there I wanna know what she's seeing at least."

"It's too dangerous for the fire department in there, but you're gonna have her rooting around? I don't think so."

"If this place is collapses we need to know everything we can before…"

 _Before the expendable rookie gets buried under a collapsed building along with the evidence? Nice._

"They're gonna get her out of there. Sam, these guys know what they're doing."

"I know."

"And once she's out, it might be a good time to talk to her."

"About what?"

"About…I don't know. Whatever."

"What the hell are you doing? Sam!"

 _Thank God this guy finally got here with his saw. They've been trapped in there a while._

"Andy…Andy, are you there? They're gonna cut through, all right? You guys gotta find some solid cover, stay back."

 _What's taking so long? Is the whole place gonna fall down on top of her? OK, he's through. Geez, be careful pushing it in there, buddy. Here comes the wife – widow, I guess. Ah, fire guy, should you maybe have let McNally come out ahead of you, so you could make sure that she gets out safely? No? OK then, get out of the way. Here she is – you're a mess, McNally, but I've never been happier to see you. Here, grab my hand._

"Hey."

"Come on."


End file.
